Lets talk about the D word...death

Well it has been a while since any of us has posted on our blog page. Today I felt the need to write.

I chose the topic of death...I know this is the hardest word for most to grasp and as humans we are always scared of the unknown, death is the biggest "unknown" circumstance that anyone has ever dealt with and it is extremely scary. So how do we explain death to our children? Is there a right way to do it?

As you all may already know I have a 3 year old son, going on 4 in November. My father had passed away when I was very young and he meant the world to me. When my son was born my nana gave me my dads teddy bear and I put that bear with a picture of my dad beside my sons bed.
As my son got older he asked who the man in the picture was and many evenings before bed I would tell him stories of his Grandad whom he is named after.
This summer my son grabbed the picture of his Grandad and asked me why he could not see Grandad or talk to him. That was a very tough question to answer especially to a 3 year old. I was concerned he would not understand if I used the word death and then trying to explain the word and what it meant may have been a bit complicated. So I told him that his Grandad was hurt in a car accident many years ago and sometimes when people get hurt badly enough they go up into the clouds and watch over their family and friends. I thought that was the best explanation I could give and my son totally got it. He wondered why he could not talk to Grandad and I explained that he can always talk to Grandad but that Grandad will not talk back because he can only listen. Its amazing how much my son understood that concept and was very ok with it.

There have been many occasions since my explanation that he was able to tell other people about his Grandad and where he was. Now I know some may not believe in the concept of heaven and that is ok, a different explanation would be required in those circumstances but as far as I can see, with my most recent experience it is to keep the explanation simple.

On Thursday evening our family dog was hit my a car and died a short time later. I had called my sons father to come pick him up immediately in the midst of it all and he came and took him back to his place for the entire weekend while I recovered from our tragic loss. On Friday my sons father and I were going to tell him about our dog and what had happened. My sons father wanted to tell him that our dog went to a farm but lying was not the way to go. My son has already had a simple explanation about what death was and I thought the truth was much better then a lie. It took some convincing but my sons father agreed and allowed me to tell our son the truth. That our doggy was hurt badly last night and that he went up into the clouds with Grandad. Now my son and this dog were best friends and I did not know how he would take it. He was surprisingly better then I was. When he came home for the first time after the fact I wondered if he would question where our puppy was but he did not. I thought it was strange so I asked him if he felt like mommy's house was different. He said yes that or puppy is no longer here, I asked him if he knew where she was and he replied "yes mama she was hurt and went into the clouds with Grandad and now she can see me every single day and everyone else" He said that he missed her a lot and was sad but he understood.

Death is a hard topic and explaining it to a child when you need to is very difficult. Every child is different and of course use your judgement on what you say and how but I feel that children are quite resiliant and they understand a lot more then we give them credit for.

Transitions and Adjustments.

As adults we are used to change. We leave a job, graduate from school, move houses or apartments, cities or towns. We are so accustomed to change because we have experienced it throughout our entire life span. The burning question is, when we go through a change how does it affect our children.

My son is 3 years old right now and most children at that age can not express the anxieties they feel when they are going through a dramatic change. Most children at his age are welcoming a new brother or sister or moving from preschool to kindergarten. Unfortunately I have introduced my little guy to a new kind of change, a temporary living circumstance. I accepted a contract for a live-in personal support worker position. It is a 5 month contract and it involves Ben and I to reside with my client and his 2 children aged 3 and 6. It is great for Ben to have kids around but he has not known anything other then living with just his mama. It has been just him and I in our own place since he was 4 months old. He is not used to having a whole other family under the same roof and he has been reacting to it in ways that are hidden to the blind eye. He seems like his normal self. He is happy, playing, laughing and is loving every moment of having live in play mates but he is showing some signs of what I think is anxiety. He complains 6-10 times a day of a stomach ache and has been showing a few different behavioural issues that are new for him.

Although this is just a temporary living situation I cant help but feel guilty for putting him through this. I know that he is missing his familiar settings, his cat (who is currently at my nanas) and his furniture and bunk beds. He can not verbalize this to me as I dont believe he is even fully aware that he is in fact missing these things but his actions are speaking to me in ways his words may not be able to.

We are taking things one day at a time and although I see he is adjusting better then I had thought he would, like i said it is showing in other ways. I know that people come into these circumstances all the time as a single parent. Moving back in with their parents, sharing accommodations or even having a roommate. Its all normal things to go through when you are single and looking for alternative ways to save money and provide for your child. Although our circumstances are a bit unique I just keep reminding myself that we will come out better in the end. I will be getting paid and living rent free, saving all my money so that we can one day buy a place to call our own. I am doing this for Ben, it may affect him in the short term but I know in the long run it is better for us both.

Id love to hear others experiences on transition. Please comment below.

- Staci SMFS

New Girl on the Block...

After hearing about this idea from Staci more then 6 months ago, here I am, jumping on board for the journey which I know is going to be rewarding for all of us involved and for all the single mom's we help along the way.  I met Staci while going to school 3 years ago.  We both enrolled in a program that we were not really passionate about and thought it would be a brilliant idea to lean on each other for support and study help.  I'm sure you can imagine how successful we were together when we both had no real desire to be in the program.  Our study sessions included wine, music and a talking bird (yes, a real talking bird).  Through Staci, I met Valerie and Kim, who are both amazing people and amazing moms.  We have all come together to be a shoulder to lean on, help to point you in the right direction and proof that you can and will make it.

During the time of going to school and meeting Staci, my relationship with my son's father was coming to an end.  I had been with him for 7 years and had fallen completely out of love with him.  We were in a very 'young' relationship.  I was 19 when I met him and he was 20, needless to say we had a lot of growing up to do and I guess we grew up together and in the process grew apart.  From the beginning there were trust issues, lying, cheating and just disrespectful behaviour.  Not to say that we didn't have amazing times together, it's just that sometimes the cons outweigh the pros.  We tried councling towards the end, grabbing at straws to try and keep it together for our son, but it was too little too late.  In order for us to be happy and most importantly for our son to be happy, we couldn't stay together any longer.  He left and Isaiah and I started our lives together.  It was during that time that I realized how completely lost in the relationship I was.  I had lost my own identity and lost the happy, go lucky person I was.  I had become a person that I despised.  A grumpy, nagging, yelling, resentful girlfriend.  After he left though I slowly but surely got back to who I knew I was and who i was happy with.  Without the love and support from my friends and family I would be lost.  As cheesy as it may sound, this is what Single Moms, Fresh Start is all about, being the friends and family for single moms in need.



Now onto the subject that I can go on for days and days about.  The never-ending beat in my heart, the always and forever thought in my head, the constant twitch in my eye (joke..but not really), my red headed, freckled faced love of my life Isaiah.  Born April 2008, he came out crying, continued crying for 3 years and now as a 4 year old the crying has turned into whining.  Atleast a swaddle or a rock in the rocking chair when he was a baby could stop the crying, the whining on the other hand...I'll get back to you on that when I have it figured out..PLEASE HELP!! :)
He radiates personality and leaves an impression on everyone he meets.  Wither it be good or bad, they always remember Isaiah.  I never knew I could love someone as much as I love him.  I have many goals that I want to accomplish in life, but the one that will make or break me is to raise him to be a good, honest and respectful man.

Leave a child alone to shave and this is what happens

Single Moms, Fresh Start. What we stand for..

This weekend changed my life, and really identified what Single Moms, Fresh Start really stands for.

We have posted many times links to our facebook page and website hoping to reach out to other single mothers in need that are willing to open up to us. This past week a young mothers reached out to us on our Facebook page. She shared her story with me after much communication via email. She requested some information on mommy groups so I was able to provide her with some links. She also asked me about breast feeding and said she really needed a pump but could not afford one.

(Her daughter is 5 weeks old, she left her fiance after many abusive episodes and ran to her fathers house where she currently resides with 5 other kids, 2 siblings and her father and step mother. She did not have anything for her little girl. After learning her story I set out to do whatever I could to help her)

Her story touched me deeply and some what hit home. I am part of a group on Faceebook called Pink and Blue. The community of Pink and Blue are upper class families in Toronto and Thornhill that share parenting tips and post questions in regards to parenting and many other things. I posted in that group on Wednesday night in hopes to find this mommy a breast pump and perhaps a few other articles of clothing for her daughter. Within an hour I had 125 responses to my post. I began collecting phone numbers and addresses of mothers who were willing to donate clothing, breast pump, bath stuff, diapers and wipes and much much more. At the end of Wednesday night I had collected 17 addresses and phone numbers (I even had to turn people down because I did not know how I would fit everything in my car). I asked my mom if she could collect in the north end as that is where she resides. A friend from school wanted to jump on board so I sent her to mid town Toronto and I travelled around the downtown core. We all collected the items on Friday afternoon and met back up at my moms to transfer the stuff into mine and my friends car. We made the delivery by 5pm Friday evening and the feeling was just so inspirational and overwhelming. My heart felt full.

This is why we started Single Moms, Fresh Start, so that we could set out to help other mothers who are in need. This is our first success story and this is what I live for. This is proof that all you need to do is reach out and ask for help and you shall receive. Dont be afraid! One act of kindness started a community wide movement. After my post on Pink and Blue many other mothers wanted to get involved in helping those in need. I was blown away with the warm hearts and inspiration. Thank you to all who contributed to this empowering movement. Please continue to support us as we are on a mission to help single mothers in need of support and hopefully we can all come together and pay it forward.

-Staci SMFS