What's the Big Difference?

In lieu of our most recent holiday, Father's Day, this post is about the many different fathers that exist in our generation of men.

Now there are many types of fathers out there. The ones that are with their children's mothers, that maintain the household, work, tuck their kids in at night and share responsibilities right down the middle. Then there are the fathers who are not with their children's mothers and these are the ones I want to focus on. I know there are many sub-types of these fathers but today I will focus on 3 specific types.

1. The Absent Father: This is the father that disappeared into thin air. They may have been in a relationship with their kids mother or it may have been a one night stand but when it came to taking responsibility for that child or children they took off running and they don't usually look back, although some do. Now Im not saying that this father doesn't think about their child and some actually still pay child support for that child but they are not grown up enough to take care of that child physically and emotionally. Some men get scared, they may not have been in love with the child's mother and did not want the burden or responsibility of raising a child or committing to the mother and child. Some of these fathers have tried fighting for their child/children but may have given up when they felt it was too difficult, or may have just thought that it wasn't worth the time and money. I have found that some of these fathers do come back into their child's life eventually, perhaps when they have had another child, or have established their life, or sometimes the child may be old enough to ask questions or search for their father. Although we may frown upon these fathers, sometimes it may be best that they are not a part of their child's life because if they aren't ready to be a father or if they are angry at the mother this may reflect on their child's wellbeing and may be more detrimental then positive in the child's life. Every child deserves a father only when the father is ready to be deserving of that child. 

2. The "Fake" Father: This is the father that walks around with their head held high and takes responsibility for having a part in raising their child, claims that they love their child with all their hearts and excepts the award for father of the year when in reality they follow direction of a court order only, they pick their child up on their weekend or evening with no extra time or visits, they are miserable with their child. Their child interrupts their weekends that they can be on a date or with friends so instead of spending quality time with that child they are taking that child to bars or to friends houses so that the father is still able to hang out with his friends while the child sits and plays video games or watches TV and on most occasions that child spends more time with the fathers family (being babysat so the father can go out) then they do with their father.  This is the father that hasn't paid child support months or maybe years claiming he is not employed when really he is and has just fallen so far behind he doesn't know how to fix it then he blames the child's mother for the lack of payments instead of taking responsibility and paying what he owes. Now I don't doubt that this father loves their child/children very much and they may try to make an effort here or there to prove that but the majority of time it is just for show, so that people on the outside looking in believe that this father is the number one dad. I call this a "child father" someone who is not grown up enough to take on the responsibility of being a parent but definitely puts in an effort so that he is not frowned upon by others. This is the father that blames everyone else for his problems especially the child's mother and instead of building a relationship with his child he is pushing his child away. The anger that this father may feel towards his child's mother he is taking out on the child and the lack of respect this father has for his child's mother the child is able to pick up on that and may react in many different ways. I believe this type of father can grow and change and I believe that with a little bit of help this father has the potential to be an amazing dad but their needs to be some kind of bottom before they can realize what they are losing and only then can they take responsibility for their actions.

3. The "I Will Do Anything For My Child" Father: This is the father that fought tooth and nail to get his joint custody or his access. This is the father that would drop anything and everything if his child needed him. This is the father who is willing to pay anything in order for their child/children to have a good life. The father that has built a relationship with their child's mother knowing that it was the only way to establish a healthy relationship between him and his child. The father that shows up to every soccer game, every swimming lesson, every school meeting and every doctors appointment without missing a beat. This father enjoys co-parenting and he listens to his child's mother and his child's mother listens to him, they have a mutual respect for one another. This is the father that is willing to spend time with his child's mother even if he does not enjoy doing so, so that his child can see that his parents are friends. This father may have been this way from the moment his kids were born or perhaps he grew to become this type of father with many obstacles along the way. This is the father that every mother dreams of having for their child if they were separated from their child's father. 

I feel so blessed to be able to say that my son's father falls under type #3. But here is the thing, my sons father has fallen under all 3 categories over the last 5 years. In the very beginning of our separation things got too hard for my sons father to handle and he took off for 6 months without a trace, no phone number, no address, no visits and no phone calls. One day he decided to email me to request a visit and he quickly turned into father #2. He did not care about what I said or the wellbeing of his child. He was angry with me and took that anger out on our son.  He was doing things to benefit himself and his needs. Although that didn't last too long it was very hard for me to go through as I felt my son deserved better then that. He quickly transitioned into category #3 and has been the most unbelievable father any little boy could ever ask for. I have been through it all ladies so I know how each and everyone of you feel. When you look at this and figure out which category your child's father falls under just know that there is room for that father to grow and to become the father your children deserve. Every child deserves a father who is present, involved, loving and devoted. A father that will go above and beyond for their children. If you are dealing with someone who is not committed to your children the way that you are please believe I empathize with your frustration.

I would love to hear from you ladies. What type of father does your children have? Have they changed over the years? Grown? Is there some points I might be missing in each category? Let us know! 

And a very Happy Father's Day to all those dads who stood up and took care of their children to the best of their ability. As long as you are trying you are a good father in my eyes!!!

The Struggles....Part 1- The Undiagnosed Chronic Stomach Condition

As single mothers we are constantly faced with struggles. Well as parents in general we are often faced with struggles. Some may include time management, meal prep, taking time off work for a sick child, balancing work and home life, making sure the house is cleaned and the laundry is done, etc. The list goes on and it is twice as hard a single parent doing it on your own.

I have been faced with a different kind of struggle, of course I go through the everyday struggle of making sure lunches and dinners are made, the laundry and housework is done, my son is bathed and ready for bed by a certain time, his homework is done, his toys are put away, my homework is done, we are on time for school in the morning, etc. But the struggle I am about to talk about is slightly different then those of our everyday lives.

My son suffers from an undiagnosed chronic stomach condition. It started in the summer of 2013 when I noticed that he was experiencing stomach pains and cramping, his stools were loose and were occurring more often throughout the day and his stomach was distended. On occasion he would vomit and it appeared food just wasn't agreeing with him. I took him to his paediatrician and after noticing a significant drop in weight the testing began. We started with a simple blood test. Ciliac (gluten intolerance), liver, kidneys, blood cells, etc. We were also told to take him off lactose and gluten for the time being until the results came back. The results came back negative and the symptoms continued to persist. We were then scheduled for a consultation with a GI specialist at Sick Kids Hospital. The appointment was scheduled in September and the date for the consult was for late October. We met with the GI specialist who said he sees things like this all the time and isn't overly concerned but because of my family history with bowel disease recommended I get the scopes done. A colonoscopy and endoscopy was scheduled for late November.
While we waited for the scopes I was still feeding him gluten free and lactose free foods and was definitely not going out to eat at all. Everything I was feeding him was organic and clean. Unfortunately that didn't seem to help much. His condition was worsening, his stomach was the size of an NBA sized basketball and the loose stools were happing every 1-3 hours. The vomiting was occurring more often as well.

We finally got the scopes done and after that we went away to Pennsylvania for a break from all the craziness of the healthcare system. We drove there for the weekend with a few friends and while we were there my son took a turn for the worst. He was constantly vomiting, loose stools, and his stomach was like nothing I have ever seen before. When we got back to Ontario I took him straight to Sick Kids and refused to leave until I got some answers as to why this was happening to my son.
WE spent the night and he was examined by a few different GI specialist. They could not find anything wrong with him.

His scopes came back negative and his GI doctor chalked his condition up to "Functional Abdominal Pain" He prescribed some ant-acid medication and sent us on our way.

As a single mother, I am dealing with this on my own. His dad is helpful but he is not constantly around to deal with this struggle. My family lives 30 minutes away so it is just me and it is hard. I am constantly monitoring what my son is eating, how much intake and output on a daily basis. I know, I am lucky it isn't a serious condition and count my blessings everyday that the scope came back negative but sometimes I wish it should something or we had some kind of answer so that I could know how to deal with it.

He has improved since the last visit at Sick Kids, he has not vomited at all and his loose stools are still persistent but not as frequent. He has gained 2lbs as well which is significant for his condition. But everyday is hard, on top of everything else us single parents need to worry about I have a bit more extra duties to make sure that my son is eating right and is functioning.

We still don't have an answer to what is causing his condition but my only assumption is to think that is is a food intolerance of sort. Unfortunately medical doctors can not test for food intolerance only allergies. We have another appointment booked in the summer for a second opinion at a different Sick Children's Hospital. Hopefully one day we will get some answers but for now I just continue to work hard to make sure he is thriving.

It is truly amazing how resilient children are, Ben has really accepted this condition and made it as part of his daily life. He does not let it bother him and has accepted that it is a part of who he is. He plays and laughs and enjoys life to the fullest.

I would love to hear some stories of other parents who are struggling with a child with a mild or severe condition and how it is affecting your daily life. Please comment below or let us know on our Facebook page at Facebook.com/SingleMomsFreshStart

- Staci

Always Be Sure To Make Your Voice Heard, Advocacy is Key, Never Give up

Oh boy! Its been far too long since I have written a blog and I am very excited to be back on this blank page.

I am writing this blog today to make sure all you single mommies know how important it is to MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD. When you are faced with a challenge, which many of us are, never give up until there is a resolution. Some may say its easier said then done, and who wants the aggravation when it is so much easier to just throw in the towel. Trust me ladies it is much more rewarding to know you tried your hardest and never gave up.

Here is my story, I have been facing an issue at school over the last few months. The issue has everything to do with me being a single mom and the lack of support there is out there for us.

I am in my last year of Social Service Work at Sheridan College. During the last two semesters you are supposed to attend a placement 3 days a week to help you gain knowledge in the field before graduating. Well i landed an amazing placement, or so I thought. It was at an agency for parenting and pregnant youth. How perfect right? It was exactly what I wanted to do. I learned how to connect with clients and run out reach programs for parents in the community. I was doing presentations on single parenthood and self care. It was right up my ally. This agency advocated for all types of parents, single, new comers, even parents suffering from postpartum depression. So I knew that my supervisors and co-workers would be totally understanding of me being a single parent and of the struggles I have currently been facing with my sons chronic stomach illness (details about that and how to deal with a sick child will be in next weeks blog). Well I was wrong! My son was admitted to Sick Kids the last 2 weeks before christmas break and I was forced to take 2 weeks off from school and placement. The faculty and Sheridan were extremely supportive and understanding and helped me to get through the exams and assignments and extended my time for them all. Well my placement was not as understanding, to my surprise. They terminated my position at their agency. To top it off they didn't even have the balls to tell me until the day I was supposed to go back in January.

So far this semester back at school has been a disaster. I still haven't found a placement and the faculty and placement coordinators at my school have done nothing to assist me in finding a new placement. The coordinator at Sheridan has been trying to manipulate me into withdrawing from placement all together right now cause according to her its "just not my time" Oh hell NO! I did not take out a $20,000 student loan and work my ASS off for the last year and a half to not graduate with my class in April. Well its been 6 weeks since my termination and Im in the same position I was 6 weeks ago with no help and no support form the school that has taken my money and promised me a future.

Do you think I gave up and said "oh well theres always next year" NO! I have gone to all ends of the world to try to get my voice heard. A wrongful termination because of a sick child and the lack of the support from a school I have been paying money to go to...I am not letting this slip through the cracks. It may be stressful and time consuming. I have contacted people of all sorts from the associate dean to the ministry rep for Sheridan College. I still haven't been heard but I am not giving up. I will send my story to every new agency in the GTA if i have to. I am not just doing this for myself. I am doing this for every single mom who wants a chance to go back to school and make a future for themselves. It is not fair that I have been punished for being a single parent and I will continue to advocate for myself until I have been heard!

Hopefully in April you will see my graduation picture up here on this blog. If not then us as single parents definitely have some more fighting to do. Advocacy is key ladies. We have to stick together.

If you want to go back to school DO IT! If you want to change careers DO IT! If you want a raise or promotion DO IT! Don't ever give up because you think that you can't. YOU CAN!

Staci

Lets talk about the D word...death

Well it has been a while since any of us has posted on our blog page. Today I felt the need to write.

I chose the topic of death...I know this is the hardest word for most to grasp and as humans we are always scared of the unknown, death is the biggest "unknown" circumstance that anyone has ever dealt with and it is extremely scary. So how do we explain death to our children? Is there a right way to do it?

As you all may already know I have a 3 year old son, going on 4 in November. My father had passed away when I was very young and he meant the world to me. When my son was born my nana gave me my dads teddy bear and I put that bear with a picture of my dad beside my sons bed.
As my son got older he asked who the man in the picture was and many evenings before bed I would tell him stories of his Grandad whom he is named after.
This summer my son grabbed the picture of his Grandad and asked me why he could not see Grandad or talk to him. That was a very tough question to answer especially to a 3 year old. I was concerned he would not understand if I used the word death and then trying to explain the word and what it meant may have been a bit complicated. So I told him that his Grandad was hurt in a car accident many years ago and sometimes when people get hurt badly enough they go up into the clouds and watch over their family and friends. I thought that was the best explanation I could give and my son totally got it. He wondered why he could not talk to Grandad and I explained that he can always talk to Grandad but that Grandad will not talk back because he can only listen. Its amazing how much my son understood that concept and was very ok with it.

There have been many occasions since my explanation that he was able to tell other people about his Grandad and where he was. Now I know some may not believe in the concept of heaven and that is ok, a different explanation would be required in those circumstances but as far as I can see, with my most recent experience it is to keep the explanation simple.

On Thursday evening our family dog was hit my a car and died a short time later. I had called my sons father to come pick him up immediately in the midst of it all and he came and took him back to his place for the entire weekend while I recovered from our tragic loss. On Friday my sons father and I were going to tell him about our dog and what had happened. My sons father wanted to tell him that our dog went to a farm but lying was not the way to go. My son has already had a simple explanation about what death was and I thought the truth was much better then a lie. It took some convincing but my sons father agreed and allowed me to tell our son the truth. That our doggy was hurt badly last night and that he went up into the clouds with Grandad. Now my son and this dog were best friends and I did not know how he would take it. He was surprisingly better then I was. When he came home for the first time after the fact I wondered if he would question where our puppy was but he did not. I thought it was strange so I asked him if he felt like mommy's house was different. He said yes that or puppy is no longer here, I asked him if he knew where she was and he replied "yes mama she was hurt and went into the clouds with Grandad and now she can see me every single day and everyone else" He said that he missed her a lot and was sad but he understood.

Death is a hard topic and explaining it to a child when you need to is very difficult. Every child is different and of course use your judgement on what you say and how but I feel that children are quite resiliant and they understand a lot more then we give them credit for.